Bill Oakley is a TV writer whose credits include The Simpsons and Disenchantment. He currently serves as executive producer and head Writer of Close Enough on HBO Max. Follow his fast food adventures on Instagram at @thatbilloakley.
There is no more enjoyable, nor more appropriate, place to dine on fast food than in your car. The modern genre of fast food sprang from the American drive-in restaurants of the 1940’s: cheap, quick, delicious meals designed to be eaten in your parked or moving vehicle.
The car is a dining sanctuary: a private, mobile booth in which to indulge one’s fast food desires, (mostly) free of the prying eyes of judgmental strangers. And since nearly all fast food degrades radically in taste and texture five minutes after it has been cooked, car eating provides an efficient and obvious speedy solution.
For the ultimate history of fast food, check out Adam Chandler’s masterpiece, Drive-Thru Dreams: A Journey Through the Heart of America’s Fast-Food Kingdom.
As a fast food aficionado and critic of some note, I have documented several hundred fast food meals in my car. With school getting out, and just in time for what’s expected to be a busy few months of post-pandemic summer road trips, here are a few things I have learned along the way about dining on the road and in your car:
Parked Eating is Easier & Safer (Duh)
Stating the obvious here but: eating and drinking while driving is risky. In 2019, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration estimates more than 3000 people were killed as a result of distracted driving in 2019. Eating and drinking are distractions. Ever try to find the last fry in a bag while barreling down a freeway? Over course you have. And you took your eyes off the road to do it. All that said, everyone grabs a bite in the car and few of us are likely to stop anytime soon—especially since many fast food joints are still drive-thru only.
Consider Appropriate Hardware
Dippable items and their sauces are extremely hard to handle while moving but two recent inventions make the process easier: the French Fry Holder and the Dip Clip. If you’re the kind of weirdo who likes knife-and-fork fast foods like salads (or pancakes for breakfast) consider a steering wheel desk. Do not consider driving while the desk is attached, please.
Order Judiciously
Some fast food items seem tailor-made for the driving diner, others are sheer nightmares due to messiness and awkwardness or the sheer necessity of a fork. Here are the best, and the worst:
Best for Driving
Illustration by Brett AffruntiCar and Driver
McDonald’s Cheeseburger: The ideal burger for driving. Compact, delicious, and drip-free.
Starbucks Bacon & Gouda Sandwich: Streamlined and tasty. Like eating a delicious wallet.
Taco Bell Potato Taco: One of the only things at Taco Bell that is unlikely to ruin your shirt.
Chick-Fil-A Chicken Sandwich: A classic for drivers and passengers alike. Tidy and delicious.
Illustration by Brett AffruntiCar and Driver
Wendy’s Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe: The only lettuce and tomato and mayo burger that I guarantee will not drip on you. (This is not a guarantee! I don’t know you.)
KFC Popcorn Nuggets: Tricky to dip while driving, but bare naked they are still decent.
Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich: Comes in a neat foil pouch which can be peeled back like a banana to contain possible spillage. It can also be tossed like the banana peels in Mario Kart. (That doesn’t really work, and don’t litter.)
In-N-Out Single Cheeseburger: More likely to cause a mess but comes neatly wrapped so why not live a little? You’ve barely gone anywhere for the last year.
Worst For Driving
Illustration by Brett AffruntiCar and Driver
McDonald’s Big Breakfast with Pancakes: Only conceivable way to eat this is to roll the pancakes into tubes and gnaw on them.
Starbucks Spinach & Egg White Wrap: Super drippy. The single wettest, leakiest breakfast item I’ve ever encountered.
Subway: Everything from Subway except the wraps and who gets wraps at Subway?
Taco Bell Crunchy Taco Supreme: Delicious but your car will be filled with shredded lettuce, cheese, and tomato bits and so will your clothing and facial hair (if facial hair is your thing).
Illustration by Brett AffruntiCar and Driver
Burger King Big King: BK’s Big Mac rip-off hemorrhages sauce like it’s been fatally wounded.
KFC Cole Slaw: Even if you forgo the fork and just pour it into your mouth you will be soaked with slaw juice.
Panda Express: Everything from Panda Express except the cream cheese rangoon and spring rolls
Wendy’s Baked Potato: The only possible way to eat this while driving is to pick it up and chew on it like an apple but it’s also 400 degrees so you’re gonna need oven mitts and those are definitely going to affect steering feel.
Beware the Drip
Delicious gloppy sauces and spreads are one of the most enjoyable aspects of fast food but they are murder on shirts and, to a lesser extent, pants and upholstery. If you need to be presentable for your job or court date, you may want to take precautions such as: 1) re-wrapping your item to contain leakage or 2) tucking a napkin into your collar like an old-time cartoon glutton or 3) taking off your shirt entirely and letting the drips go where they may. Or, because maybe you care about your car than your clothes, sit on your shirt and use it to protect the seat.
Finally: Lingering Odors Can Be Luscious
I used to religiously throw out all the fast food trash the moment I arrived home but one forgetful evening I failed to do so. The next day, the car was infused with a delicious chicken-sandwich fragrance that got my morning off to a joyous start. Live and learn. (Not recommend with fish items.) You will be finding small bits of shredded lettuce in your car until the day the decrepit, no-longer-drivable car is finally lowered into a car crusher. An absolute certainty. Consider it an occupational hazard.
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